Malon: A Mulan Remake
by ForestGirl
Summary: A is a comedy retelling of a popular Disney movie, with Zelda and Mario characters in the roles, this fanfic is this first of many that I will write. Enjoy, and please r/r! ^_~
1.

Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda, Mario, or Mulan

Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda, Mario, or Mulan. (As much as I would like to!) 

****

Act One

__

[A soldier walks around his post on top of a huge wall. Suddenly, a bird of prey hits the back of his head.]

****

Soldier:  
Ah!   


__

[The hawk lets out a call. The soldier walks over to the edge of the wall. A hook comes flying up, followed by many more.] 

****

Soldier:  
_(Running back to his post)_  
We're under attack! Light the signal! 

__

[The door opens, revealing a couple of Gerudo. The soldier climbs up the ladder.] 

****

Soldier:  
_(Lighting the signal with a torch, while staring at the Gerudo   
leader; other signals go on all the way along the wall)_   
Now everyone knows you're here. 

****

Ganondorf:  
_(Picking up a flag and toasting it in the signal fire)_   
Perfect. 

*** 

__

[General Rauru and two soldiers walk into King Toad's chamber and bow.]

****

Rauru:  
Your Majesty, the Gerudo have crossed our Northern Border. 

****

Ingo:  
Impossible! No one can get through the wall!   
_(He is silenced with a raised hand from King Toad])_

****

Rauru:  
Ganondorf is leading them. We'll set up defenses around your castle immediately. 

****

King Toad:  
No!   
_(Standing up)_  
Send your troops to protect my people! Ingo! 

****

Ingo:  
Yes, your Highness. 

****

King Toad:  
Deliver notices throughout all the land.   
Call up reserves, and as many new recruits as possible. 

****

Rauru:  
Forgive me, your Majesty, but I believe my troops can stop him. 

****

King Toad:  
I won't take any chances, General. A single pint of milk can tip the scale; one man may be the  
difference between victory and defeat. 

*** 

****

Malon:  
_(Using a Deku stick to balance a pint of milk)_  
Quiet and demure ... graceful, polite, delicate, refined, poised ...  
_(She picks up a paintbrush and makes a mark on her arm)_   
... punctual!  
_[A cucco crows]_

Aaiee!  
_(Blowing on her arm)_   
Poochie! Poochie! Pooch--   
_(She glances down at a sleeping dog on the floor)_  
Ah! There you are!   
_[The dog wakes up]_  
Who's the smartest doggy in the world? C'mon,   
smart boy! Can you help me with my chores today? 

__

[She ties a sack of chicken feed to his back, complete with a pole and a bone attached. Poochie immediately chases the bone, running promptly into a wall and then out the door, scattering grain everywhere.] 

****

Talon:  
_(Praying)_  
Honorable Ancestors ... please help Malon impress the Matchmaker today.   
_[Poochie, followed by a herd of cuccos, bursts into the family temple.]_   
Please, please help her. 

****

Malon:  
Father, I brought you some ... Whoop!   
_(Bangs into Talon, he catches the milk jug on his cane while the cups hit the ground and shatter.)_

****

Talon:  
Malon ... 

****

Malon:

__

(Bringing out another cup)  
I brought a spare! 

****

Talon:  
Malon ... 

****

Malon:  
Remember, the doctor said three cups of milk in the morning ... 

****

Talon:  
Malon. 

****

Malon:  
... and three at night. 

****

Talon:  
Malon. You should already be in town. We're counting on you to-

****

Malon:  
Uphold the family honor. Don't worry, Father. I won't let you down. Wish me luck! 

****

Talon:  
Hurry! I'm going to... pray some more. 


	2. 

Act Two ****

Act Two

__

(In town) 

****

Woman #1:  
Ralon, where is your daughter? The Matchmaker is not a patient woman. 

****

Ralon:  
Of all the days to be late! I should have prayed to the ancestors for luck. 

****

Granny Impa:  
How lucky can they be? They're dead. Besides, I've got all the luck we'll need.   
_(Holds up a wicker cage with a tiny Yoshi inside.)_  
_(To Yoshi)_ This is your chance to prove yourself.   
_(She closes her eyes and steps off the sidewalk.) _

****

Ralon:  
Grandma Impa! No! 

__

[Impa walks across the street; vehicles crash, but she emerges unharmed.] 

****

Impa:  
Yup! This Yoshi's a lucky one!   


__

[Ralon sighs. Malon comes riding up on Epona, and hops off.] 

****

Malon:  
I'm here!   
_(Looks at her mother)_   
What? But, Mama, I had to-- 

****

Ralon:  
None of your excuses. Now, let's get you cleaned up. 

****

**Begin Song: "Honor to us all"** 

****

Woman #1:  
This is what you give me to work with?  
Well, honey, I've seen worse.  
We're going to turn this cow's ear  
Into a silk purse. 

****

Malon:

__

(In bath)  
It's freezing! 

****

Ralon:  
It would've been warm, if you were here on time. 

****

Woman #1:  
We'll have you, washed and dried  
Primped and polished till you glow with pride  
Just my recipe for instant bride  
You'll bring honor to us all. 

****

Ralon:

__

(Finding writing on Malon's arm.)  
Malon, what's this? 

****

Malon:

Uh ... notes ... in case I forget something. 

****

Granny Impa:  
Hold this.   
_(Hands Yoshi in cage to Ralon)_  
We're going to need more luck than I thought. 

****

Woman #2:  
Wait and see, when we're through 

****

Woman #3:  
Boys will gladly go to war for you 

****

Woman #2:  
With good fortune 

****

Woman #3:  
And a great hairdo 

****

Both:  
You'll bring honor to us all. 

A girl can bring her family  
Great honor in one way  
By striking a good match  
And this might be the day 

****

Woman #4:  
Men want girls with good taste 

****

Woman #5:  
Calm 

****

Ralon:  
Obedient 

****

Woman #5:  
Who work fast-paced 

****

Ralon:  
With good breeding 

****

Woman #5:  
And a tiny waist 

****

All:  
You'll bring honor to us all. 

We all must serve King Toad  
Who guards us from the Gerudo  
A man by bearing weapons  
A girl by bearing sons 

****

Woman #6:  
When we're through,  
You can't fail  
Like a piranha plant, soft and pale  
How could any fellow say, "No sale"?  
You'll bring honor to us all! 

****

Ralon:  
There, you're ready.  


****

Impa:  
Not yet! An Deku Nut for serenity  
A pendant for balance  
Beads of jade for beauty  
You must proudly show it  
Now, add a Yoshi, just for luck,  
And even you can't blow it! 

****

Malon:  
Ancestors, hear my plea,  
Please don't let me make a fool of me  
And to not uproot my family tree  
Keep my father standing tall. 

****

Zelda, Peach, and Ruto:

Scarier than the Undertaker,  
We are meeting our matchmaker! 

****

All:  
Destiny, guard our girls,  
Help our future as it fast unfurls  
Please look kindly on these cultured pearls  
Each a perfect porcelain doll ... 

Please bring honor to us  
Please bring honor to us  
Please bring honor to us  
Please bring honor to us  
Please bring honor to us all! 

****

**End Song** 

__

[Madam Dutour, the Matchmaker opens the door.]

****

Madam Dutour:  
Malon? 

****

Malon:  
Present! 

****

Madam Dutour:  
Speaking without permission ... 

****

Malon:  
Oops ...   


__

[They go inside]

****

Granny Impa:  
_(To Ralon)_   
Who spit in her milk? 


	3. 

ACT THREE ****

Act Three

__

(Inside the house)

****

Madam Dutour:  
Too skinny ... not good for bearing sons. 

__

[Yoshi hops out of his cage, Malon frantically tries to put him back in.] 

****

Madam Dutour:  
Recite the Final Admonition. 

****

Malon:  
Mmm-hmm-hmm ...   
_(Pulls out a paper fan and spits Yoshi out)_

****

Madam Dutour:  
Well? 

****

Malon:  
Fulfill your duties, calmly and ...   
_(Glances down at the notes written on her arm, which are smeared slightly.)_   
respectively. Um, reflect before you ... snack. Act! This shall bring you honor and glory.   


__

[She fans herself, Madam Dutour grabs the fan and searches it for cheat notes. Finding none, she grabs Malon by the arm and pulls her toward a table. The writing comes off in her hand.] 

****

Madam Dutour:  
This way. Now, pour the milk. To please your future   
in-laws, you must demonstrate a sense of dignity   
(She rubs her hand over her mouth, and the ink rubs off with a squeak)   
and refinement. You must also be poised.   


__

[Malon, staring at the now black-faced Matchmaker, pours the milk but is distracted by the markings and misses the cup, then regains her composure and quickly fills it. Malon notices Yoshi relaxing happily in the milk. Madam Dutour takes the cup, and is about   
to sip it.] 

****

Malon:  
Um, pardon me ... 

****

Madam Dutour:  
And silent!   
_(Sniffs the milk)_

Ah ... 

****

Malon:  
Could I just take that back? One moment ...   


__

[She grabs for the cup. Madam Dutour fights for the cup, and they both fall back, the milk spilling all over Madam Dutour. Yoshi hops down her dress.] 

****

Madam Dutour:  
Why, you clumsy! ... Oh! Ah! Woo!   


__

[She trips over the fire-pot, spilling the coals and then sitting on them, the bottom of her dress smoking. Malon desperately fans the burned spot, and it bursts into flames. Madam Dutour runs around screaming.] 

__

(Outside) 

****

Granny Impa:  
_(To Ralon, after hearing the screams and seeing smoke.)_   
I think it's going well, don't you? 

__

[Madam Dutour runs outside, screaming.] 

****

Madam Dutour:  
Put it out! Put it out! PUT IT OUT!   


__

[Malon throws milk over her, putting out the fire. Embarrassed, she hands the milk jug to Madam Dutour and quickly walks toward Ralon and Granny Impa.] 

****

Madam Dutour:  
_(Furious)_   
You are a DISGRACE! You may look like a bride, but you will NEVER bring your family honor! 

__

[People start to walk away, whispering.] 

*** 


	4. 

Act Four ****

Act Four

__

[At Lon Lon Ranch. Malon is greeted with a warm, yet unknowing smile by   
her father, but, humiliated, she turns away and takes Epona to the stable.] 

****

**Beginning of Song: "Reflection"** 

****

Malon:  
Look at me ... I will never pass for a perfect bride  
Or a perfect daughter  
Can it be?  
I'm not meant to play this part?  
Now I see  
That if I were truly to be myself  
I would break my family's heart. 

Who is that girl I see  
Staring straight back at me  
Why is my reflection someone I don't know  
Somehow I cannot hide  
Who I am, though I've tried  
When will my reflection show  
Who I am inside?  
When will my reflection show  
Who I am, inside? 

****

**End Song** 

****

Talon:

__

(Goes over and sits next to Malon.)  
My, my, what beautiful blossoms we have this year. But look, _(pointing to one)_ this   
one's late. I bet when it blooms, it will be the most beautiful of all. 

__

[Malon glances at him, realizing the meaning of this parable.]

*** 

__

[Drums sound] 

****

Malon:  
What is it? 

__

[Hylian soldiers and Ingo come riding over a hill.] 

****

Ralon:  
Malon, stay inside. 

****

Granny Impa:  
Ahem.   
_(Points toward a low roof. Malon runs over to it and peers over the roof)_

****

Ingo:  
Citizens! I bring a proclamation from the Castle! The Gerudo have invaded Hyrule! By order  
of King Toad, one man from every family must serve in the Army.   
_(Reading from list)_   
The Kokiri Family!   
The Gomba Family! 

****

Son:  
I will serve the King in my father's place. 

****

Ingo:  
The Lon Family! 

****

Malon:  
No! 

__

[Her father walks over to Ingo.] 

****

Talon:  
I am ready to serve the King. 

****

Malon:  
Father, you can't go! 

****

Talon:  
Malon! 

****

Malon:  
_(To Ingo)_  
Please, sir, my father has already fought for-- 

****

Ingo:  
Silence! _(To Talon)_ You will do well to teach your daughter to hold her tongue in a man's presence. 

****

Talon:  
Malon. You dishonor me. 

****

Ingo:  
Report tomorrow at the Hyrule field Camp.   
_(He hands Talon a scroll.)_

****

Talon:  
Yes, sir. 

****

Ingo:  
_(Continues to read)_  
The Zora Family!   
The Koopa Family!   
The Goron Family! 

*** 

__

[In Talon's bedroom, he yanks open his closet, revealing a suit of Hylian armor, and unsheathes a sword. Malon watches. He practices techniques, but his leg gives out and he falls against a pillar, panting.] 

***


	5. 

Act Five ****

Act Five

__

[At dinner, Malon pours the milk, then sets her cup down with a bang.] 

****

Malon:  
You shouldn't have to go! 

****

Ralon:  
Malon! 

****

Malon:  
There are plenty of young men to fight for Hyrule! 

****

Talon:  
It is an honor to protect my country and my family. 

****

Malon:  
So you'll die for honor. 

****

Talon:  
I will die doing what's right. 

****

Malon:  
But if you ... 

****

Talon:  
I know my place. It is time you learned yours. 

__

[Malon stares at her father for a moment, then runs outside crying. Malon is sitting in a statue of a Great Fairy, crying. It is raining. Through the window of her house, she can see her mother and father talking. Talon picks up the candle and blows it out. Malon thinks for a minute, then makes her decision. Malon walks into the Family Temple and lights a stick, placing it in a hanging statue of a small fairy. She runs into her parent's room, taking the scroll and leaving her hair comb. Taking her father's sword, she cuts her hair short and puts on her father's armor. Going out to the stable, she mounts Epona and sets off for the army. The eyes of a statue in the temple flash, and Granny Impa wakes up.]

****

Granny Impa:  
Malon is gone! 

****

Talon:  
What? It can't be ...   
_(He runs outside)_   
Malon! No ... 

****

Ralon:  
You must go after her. She could be killed. 

****

Talon:  
If I reveal her, she will be. 

****

Granny Impa:  
Ancestors, hear our prayer. Watch over Malon. 

__

[In the Family Temple, the characters on a tombstone   
light up, and they turn into the Great Ancestor.]

****

Great Ancestor:  
_(To the small hanging fairy statue)_   
Tatl, awaken. 

[The statue shakes and smokes.] 

****

Tatl:  
I live! So, tell me, what mortal needs my protection, Great   
Ancestor. You just say the word, and I'm there. 

****

Great Ancestor:  
Tatl ... 

****

Tatl:  
And lemme say something, anyone who's foolish enough to threaten   
OUR family, vengeance will be MINE! Grr ... arrgh ... 

****

Great Ancestor:  
Tatl! These are the family guardians. They- 

****

Tatl:  
Protect the family. 

****

Great Ancestor:  
And you, O Demoted One... 

****

Tatl:  
I ring my bell. 

****

Great Ancestor:  
That's right. Now, wake up the Ancestors... 

****

Tatl:  
One family reunion coming right up. Okay, people, people, look alive! Let's go, c'mon, get up!  
Let's move it! Rise and shine! Y'all way past the beauty sleep thing. 

****

Ancestor #1:  
I knew it, I knew it. That Malon was a troublemaker from the start. 

****

Ancestor #2:  
Don't look at me, she gets it from your side of the family! 

****

Ancestor #3:  
She's just trying to help her father! 

****

Ancestor #4:  
But if she's discovered, Talon will be forever shamed. Dishonor will come to the family.  
Traditional values will disintegrate! 

****

Ancestor #5:  
Not to mention they'll lose the Ranch! 

****

Ancestor #1:  
My children never caused such trouble; they all became acupuncturists! 

****

Ancestor #2:  
Well, we can't all be acupuncturists! 

****

Ancestor #6:  
No! Your great-granddaughter had to be a CROSS-DRESSER! 

__

[The Ancestors start to argue] 

****

Ancestor #7:  
Let a guardian bring her back! 

****

Ancestor #2:  
Yes! Awaken the most cunning! 

****

Ancestor #4:  
No! The swiftest! 

****

Ancestor #8:  
No, send the wisest! 

****

Great Ancestor:  
SILENCE! We will send the most powerful of all. 

****

Tatl:  
_(Laughs)_   
Okay, okay, I get the Jif. I'll go. 

__

[Laughter results at the expense of Tatl] 

****

Tatl:  
Well, y'all don't think I can do it! Watch this here!   
_(Lights a tiny flame) _  
Ah-hah! Jump back, I'm pretty hot. But I don't have to singe nobody to prove no point. 

****

Great Ancestor:  
You had your chance to protect the Lon Family. 

****

Ancestor #6:  
Your misguidance led Falon to disaster! 

****

Falon:  
_(Headless)_  
Yeah, thanks a lot. 

****

Tatl:  
And your point is? 

****

Great Ancestor:  
The point is, we will be sending a REAL fairy to retrieve Malon. 

****

Tatl:  
What? What? I'm a real fairy! 

****

Great Ancestor:  
You're not even worthy of this thought! Now, awaken the Great Stone Fairy! 

****

Tatl:  
So you'll get back to me on the job thing?   
_(She is hit in the face with a Deku Nut.) _

****

Tatl:  
Just one chance. Is that too much to ask? I mean, it's not like it'll kill you.   
_(To the fairy statue)_   
Yo, Ugly Face, wake up! You gotta go fetch Malon! C'mon, girl! Go get her! Go on! C'mon!   
_(She climbs up on the statue, dragging the Deku nut.)_ Grr... arrgh. Grr. Hello? Helloooo? HELLO!   
_(She hits the ear of the fairy with the Deku nut, and it falls off. Suddenly, the entire statue falls apart.)_

Uh-oh ...   
Uh ... Ugly? Ugly ... Oh, man, they're gonna kill me! 

****

Great Ancestor:  
Great Stone Fairy! Have you awakened? 

****

Tatl: 

__

(Holding up the head of the Great Stone Fairy)   
Uh, yes, I just woke up! Um, I am the Great Stone Fairy! Good morning! I will go forth and fetch Malon! Did- did I mention that I am the Great Stone Fairy? 

****

Great Ancestor:  
Go! The fate of the Lon family rests in your hands. 

****

Tatl:  
Don't even worry about it. I will not lose face.   
_(She loses her balance and tumbles down the hill, the fairy head landing on top of her.)_  
Ow, ah, my elbow. Oh, oh, I know I twisted something.   
_(She lifts the head off.)_   
That's just great, now what? I'm doomed, and all because   
Ms. Man decided to take a little drag show on the road. 

****

Yoshi:  
Yoshi. 

****

Tatl:  
Go GET her! What's the matter with you? After this Great Stone Humptey Dumptey mess, I'd  
have to bring her back with a medal to get back in the Temple! Waitaminute! That's it! I make  
Malon a war hero, and they'll be begging me to come back to work! That's the master plan! Oh,  
you've done it now. 

****

Yoshi:  
Yoshi. 

****

Tatl:  
_(Flying)_  
And what makes you think you're coming? 

****

Yoshi:  
Yoshi. 

****

Tatl:  
You're LUCKY? Do I look like a sucker to you? 

****

Yoshi:  
Yoshi. 

****

Tatl:  
What do you mean, a loser? What if I pop your tongue out and throw it across the yard, then who's the loser, you or me? 

****

Yoshi:  
Yoshi. 

__

[Tatl chases him out of the yard and down the road.]

***


	6. 

Act Six ****

Act Six

__

[The Gerudo army comes to a stop by a marsh. Two Hylian soldiers are dragged out of a tree and thrown before Ganondorf.]

****

Gerudo:  
Hylian Scouts. 

****

Hylian Soldier #1:  
Ganondorf! 

****

Ganondorf:  
Nice work, gentlemen. You've found the Gerudo army. 

__

[Laughter] 

****

Hylian Soldier #2:  
The King will stop you. 

****

Ganondorf:  
Stop me! He invited me. By building his wall, he challenged my strength. Well, I'm here to play  
his game. Go! Tell your King Toad to send his strongest armies. I'm ready. 

__

[The two soldiers scurry off, one after the other.] 

****

Ganondorf:  
How many men does it take to deliver a message? 

****

Gerudo Archer:

__

(Cocks her bow.)  
One. 

*** 

****

Malon:  
Okay. Okay, how about this:   
_(In a deep voice)_   
Excuse me, where do I sign in? Ah, I see you have a   
sword. I have one, too. They're very manly, and strong.   
_(She fumbles with the sword, dropping it on the   
ground. Epona rolls with laughter, and is hit by a shoe.)_

****

Malon:  
I'm working on it! Oh, who am I fooling. It'd take a miracle to get me into the army. 

****

Tatl:  
_(Covered in smoke, and surrounded by fire, all Malon can see is her giant shadow.)_  
Did I hear someone ask for a miracle! Lemme hear ya say, "Aaah!" 

****

Malon:  
Agggggghhh! 

****

Tatl:  
That's close enough! 

****

Malon:  
A Poe! 

****

Tatl:  
Get ready, Malon, your seventeen halation is at hand, for I have   
been sent by your ancestors to guide you through your masquerade!   
_(She glances down at Yoshi, who is making finger-shadows of a fairy's head, and kicks him.)_ C'mon, you're gonna stay, you're gonna work with me.   
_(To Malon)_  
So heed my words, cause if the army finds out you're a girl, the penalty is death. 

****

Malon:  
Who are you? 

****

Tatl:  
Who am I? WHO am I? I am the guardian of lost souls!   
I am the powerful, the pleasurable, the indestructible Tatl. 

__

(Malon stares at the tiny fairy for a moment.) 

****

Tatl:  
Ah, I'm pretty hot, huh?   


__

[Immediately Epona steps all over her.] 

****

Malon:  
My ancestors sent a little bug to help me? 

****

Tatl:  
Hey, fairy, fairy, not bug. I don't do that buzzing-thing. 

__

(Buzzes)

****

Malon:  
You're ... um ... 

****

Tatl:  
Intimidating? All inspiring? 

****

Malon:  
Tiny! 

****

Tatl:  
Of course! I am travel-sized, for your convenience. If   
I was my REAL size, your cow here would die of fright.   
_(Epona tries to chomp her.)_  
DOWN, Bessy. My powers are beyond your mortal imagination. For instance, my eyes can see straight through your armor.   
_(SLAP!!!)_

Alright! That's it! Dishonor! Dishonor on your whole family! Make a note of this. Dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow, dis- 

****

Malon:  
Stop! I'm sorry! I'm sorry. I'm just nervous. I've never done this before. 

****

Tatl:  
Then you're gonna have to trust me. And don't you slap me no more. You clear on that?  
_(Malon nods)_  
Alright. Okey-dokey! Let's get this show on the road! Yoshi, get the bags!  
_(To Epona)_  
Let's move it heifer! 

***


	7. 

Act Seven ****

Act Seven

**__**

[At the Hyrule Field Camp]

****

Tatl:  
Okay, this is it! Time to show them your man-walk. Shoulders back, chest high, feet apart, head up, and strut! Two three, break that bone, two, three, and work it! 

****

Tatl:  
_(They pass men trimming their toenails and picking their noses)_   
Beautiful, isn't it. 

****

Malon:  
They're disgusting. 

****

Tatl:  
No, they're men. And you're gonna have to act just like them, so pay attention. 

****

Recruit:  
Look! This tattoo will protect me from harm! 

****

Wario:  
Hmmm... (Punches the recruit) 

****

Luigi:  
_(Laughing)_  
I hope you can get your money back! 

****

Malon:  
I don't think I can do this... 

****

Tatl:  
It's all attitude! Be tough, like this guy here! 

****

Wario:  
_(Spits)_  
What are you looking at? 

****

Tatl:  
Punch him. It's how men say hello.   
_(Malon punches Wario; he slams into Darunia.)_

****

Darunia:  
Oh, Wario! You've made a friend! 

****

Tatl:  
Good. Now slap him on the behind. They like that. 

__

(Malon slaps Wario.) 

****

Wario:  
Woo hoo ... I'm gonna hit you so hard, it'll make your ancestors dizzy. 

****

Darunia:  
_(Picks up Wario)_   
Wario, relax and chant with me. 

****

Wario:  
Errrrrgh .... 

****

Darunia:  
Nanuami tofu dah ... 

****

Wario:  
Nonuami tofu dah. 

****

Darunia:  
Feel better? 

****

Wario:  
Nrrgh. Ah, you ain't worth my time. Chicken boy. 

****

Tatl:  
Chicken boy!? Say that to my face, you limp noodle! 

****

Wario:  
Rrraaaaghhh!   
_(Grabs Malon and punches; she ducks and he punches Luigi three times.)_  
Oh, sorry Luigi. Hey! 

__

(He reaches down to catch Malon from crawling away, and Luigi kicks him into Darunia, then attacks with a flying sidekick. They start fighting, with Darunia swiping to get them off. Malon scrambles away.)

****

Luigi:  
Hey! There he goes! 

__

(They chase Malon through a tent, and the Gang of three stop abruptly at the end of the food line. Darunia knocks everyone over, like dominoes, and finally the pot overturns. Everyone gets up and advances on Malon.)

****

Malon:  
Hey, guys... 

****

[Inside the Captain's Tent] 

****

General Rauru:  
The Gerudo have struck here, here, and here. I will take the main troops up to the Death Mountain Pass and stop Ganondorf before he destroys this village. 

****

Ingo:  
Excellent strategy, sir! I do love surprises. 

****

Rauru:  
_(To Link)_  
You will stay and train the new recruits. When Ingo   
believes you're ready, you will join us... Captain. 

****

Link:  
Captain? 

****

Ingo:  
Oh! This is an enormous responsibility, General! Perhaps a soldier with more experience? 

****

Rauru:  
Number one in his class, extensive knowledge of training techniques ... an impressive   
military lineage... I believe Link will do an excellent job. 

****

Link:  
Oh I will! I won't let you down! This is... I mean... Yes sir. 

****

Rauru:  
Very good, then. We'll toast Hyrule's victory at the   
Castle Town. I'll expect a full report in three weeks. 

****

Ingo:  
And believe me, I won't leave anything out. 

****

Link:  
Captain Link. Leader of Hyrule's finest troops. No, the greatest troops of all time.   
_(They step outside to see all the men fighting.)_

****

Ingo:  
Most impressive. 

****

Rauru:  
Good luck, Captain! Yah!   
_(He rides off, followed by two lines of soldiers on horses.)_

****

Link:  
You know, he's not my REAL father... 

****

Ingo:  
What?

****

Link:

Nevermind...

__

(Watches the soldiers fight while shaking his head.)  


****

Ingo:

Day One.

****

Link:

Soldiers! 

__

[Soldiers separate, revealing a cowering Malon]

****

Soldiers:  
HE started it! 

****

Link:  
_(To Malon)_  
I don't need anyone causing trouble in my camp. 

****

Malon:  
Sorry ...   
_(In a deep voice)_  
I mean, sorry you had to say that. But you know what it is when you get those   
manly urges... just gotta KILL something. Fix things... cook outdoors... 

****

Link:  
What's your name? 

****

Malon:  
uh...um...uh... 

****

Ingo:  
Your commanding officer just asked you a question! 

****

Malon:  
I've got a name... and it's a boy's name, too. 

****

Tatl:  
Luigi! How 'bout Luigi? 

****

Malon:  
_(To Tatl)_   
HIS name is Luigi. 

****

Link:  
I didn't ask for HIS name, I asked for yours! 

****

Tatl:  
Uh... Ah-chu! 

****

Malon:  
Ah-chu! 

****

Link:  
AH-CHU?! 

****

Tatl:  
Gesuintit! Hee hee... I kill myself. 

****

Malon:  
Tatl... 

****

Link:  
TATL?! 

****

Malon:  
No. 

****

Link:  
Then WHAT is it?! 

****

Tatl:  
Mido! Mido was my best friend growing up. 

****

Malon:  
It's Mido. 

****

Link:  
Mido. 

****

Tatl:  
'Course, Mido did steal my best dress-- 

****

Malon:  
Yes. My name is Mido. 

****

Link:  
Let me see your conscription notice.   
_(Malon hands the scroll to him.)_  
Talon? THE Talon?

****

Ingo:  
I didn't know Talon had a son. 

****

Malon:  
Er, he... doesn't talk about me much.   
_(She attempts to spit, but fails miserably.)_

****

Ingo:  
I can see why. The boy's an absolute lunatic!   


__

(Laughter) 

****

Link:  
Okay, gentlemen, thanks to your new friend Mido, you'll spend tonight picking up every single  
grain of rice. Tomorrow, the real work begins. 

__

(Grumbling)

****

Tatl:  
You know, we have to work on your people skills. 

*** 


	8. 

Act Eight ****

Act Eight

__

(Inside Malon's tent, Tatl picks up Yoshi and uses him for an alarm clock.) 

****

Tatl:  
All right, rise and shine, Sleeping Beauty! C'mon, hup, hup, hup! 

__

(Malon pulls the blanket over her, and Tatl pulls it off.) 

****

Tatl:  
Get your clothes on, get ready! Got breakfast ready.   
Look, you get porridge! And it's happy to see you! 

__

(Yoshi is resting happily in the bowl of porridge; Tatl uses a fork to fish him out.) 

****

Tatl:  
Hey, get out of there! You're gonna make people sick! 

****

Malon:  
Am I late? 

****

Tatl:  
_(Stuffs porridge in her mouth)_  
No time to talk. Now, remember, it's your first day of training, so listen to your teacher and no fighting, play nice with the other kids, unless, of course, the other kids want to fight, then you gotta kick the other kid's butt. 

****

Malon:  
But I don't want to kick the other kids' butts. 

****

Tatl:  
Don't talk with your mouth full. Now let's see your war face. 

__

(Malon looks at Tatl, her mouth full of porridge.) 

****

Tatl:  
Oh, I think my bunny hood just ran for cover. C'mon, scare me, girl! 

****

Malon:  
Rrrrraaaaarrrgggghhhhh! 

****

Tatl:  
That's my tough looking warrior! That's what I'm   
talking about! Now, get out there and make me proud! 

[_Epona neighs frantically]_

****

Tatl:  
What do you mean, the troops just left? 

****

Malon:  
They WHAT?   
_(She rushes out of the tent)_

****

Tatl:  
Wait, you forgot your sword!   
_(Sniffs)_  
My little baby, off to destroy people ... 

__

[At the camp]

****

Ingo:  
Order! People, order! 

****

Soldier:  
I'd like a pizza! 

****

Darunia:  
Rocks, please. 

****

Ingo:  
That's not funny. 

****

Luigi:  
Looks like our new friend slept in this morning. Why, hello, Mido, Are yous hungry? 

****

Wario:  
Yeah, cause I owe you a knuckle sandwich. 

****

Link:  
Soldiers! You will assemble swiftly and silently, every   
morning. Anyone who does otherwise, will answer to me. 

__

(He takes off his shirt, and Malon stares in awe.) 

****

Wario:  
Ooh, tough guy. 

****

Link:  
_(Pulls out a bow and arrow and aims it at Wario, then   
at the top of a high pole in the middle of the camp.)_  
Wario. Thank you for volunteering. Retrieve the arrow. 

****

Wario:  
I'll get that arrow, pretty boy, and I'll do it with my shirt on.   
_(He walks over to the pole and prepares to climb up it.)_

****

Link:  
One moment, you seem to be missing something.   
_(He pulls two giant medals out of a box.)_  
This represents disipline. And this represents strength. You need both to reach the arrow.   
_(He ties them around Wario's wrists, and all the soldiers   
after him, but none of them can make it to the arrow.)_

****

Link:  
We've got a long way to go. 

****

**Beginning of Song: "I'll Make a Man Out of You."** 

****

Link:  
Let's get down to business  
To defeat the Gerudo  
Did they send me daughters  
When I asked for sons? 

You're the saddest bunch  
I ever met, but you can bet  
Before we're through  
Mister, I'll make a man  
Out of you. 

Tranquil as a forest  
But on fire within  
Once you find your center  
You are sure to win  
You're a spineless, pale, pathetic lot  
And you can bet before we're through  
Mister, I'll make a man out of you. 

****

Darunia:  
I'm never gonna catch my breath 

****

Wario:  
Say good-bye to those who knew me 

****

Luigi:  
Boy I was a fool in school for cutting gym 

****

Tatl:  
This guy's got 'em scared to death 

****

Malon:  
I hope he doesn't see right through me 

****

Darunia:  
Now I really wish that I knew how to swim 

__

[As the song progresses, the army is being trained.]

****

All: 

Be a man  
We must be swift as a coursing river  
Be a man  
With all the force of a great typhoon  
Be a man  
With all the strength of a raging fire  
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon 

Link:

Time is racing t'ward us  
Till the Gerudo arrive  
Heed my every order  
And you might survive

__

(To Malon)  
You're unsuited for the rage of war  
So pack up, go home, you're through  
How could I make a man out of you 

****

All:

__

[Malon is determined to stay in the army, so she tries again to get the arrow, but fails again. She then gets an idea, and uses the weights to her advantage, by tying them together and using them to boost herself up the pole. She shoots the arrow at Link's feet.]

Be a man  
We must be swift as a coursing river  
Be a man  
With all the force of a great typhoon  
Be a man  
With all the strength of a raging fire  
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon 

Be a man  
We must be swift as a coursing river  
Be a man  
With all the force of a great typhoon  
Be a man  
With all the strength of a raging fire  
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon! 

****

**End of Song** 

*** 


	9. 

Act Nine ****

Act Nine

__

[Ganondorf cuts the top off a tree. The hawk flies overhead and drops a small doll. Gerudo jumps down from the tree and throws the doll to one of the Gerudo.]

****

Ganondorf:  
What do you see? 

****

Gerudo #1:  
Rocks... from Death mountain! 

****

Gerudo #2:  
Shafts... from arrows.

****

Gerudo #3:

Elderly Citizen hair... old ladies!

****

Gerudo #1 and 2:

What?

  
**Gerudo #3:**

Oops.

****

Ganondorf:  
This doll came from a village in the Death Mountain pass, where the army is waiting. 

****

Gerudo Archer:  
We can avoid them easily. 

****

Ganondorf:  
No. The quickest way to the king is through that pass. Besides,   
the little girl will be missing her doll. We should return it to her. 

***

**__**

[Hyrule Field Camp, at night]

****

Tatl:  
Hey, this is not a good idea. What if somebody sees you? 

****

Malon:  
Just because I look like a man doesn't mean I have to smell like one. 

****

Tatl:  
So a couple guys don't rinse out their socks. Picky,   
picky, picky. Myself, I kinda like that corn-chip smell. 

****

Malon:  
_(Jumps in the water)_  
Ah. 

****

Tatl:  
Okay, all right, alright, that's enough, now c'mon, get out before you get all pruney and stuff. 

****

Malon:  
Tatl, if you're so worried, go stand watch! 

****

Tatl:  
Yeah, yeah. Stand watch, Tatl, while I blow our secret with my stupid human habits. Hygiene. 

__

(Three naked men flash by, laughing.) 

****

Tatl:  
We're doomed! There're a couple of things I KNOW they're bound to notice! 

__

[Malon ducks into the water as Luigi, Wario and Darunia   
jump into the water. She tries to hide herself with a lilypad.]

****

Wario:  
Hey, Mido! 

****

Malon:  
Oh, hi, guys, I didn't know you were HERE. I was just   
washing so now I'm clean and I'm gonna go. Bye-bye. 

****

Luigi:  
Come back here! I know we were jerks to you before, so let's start over. Hi, I'm Luigi. 

****

Darunia:  
And I'm Darunia. 

****

Malon:  
Hello, Darunia. 

****

Wario:  
And I am Wario, King of the Rock! And there's nothing you girls can do about it. 

****

Luigi:  
Oh yeah? Well, I think Mido and I can take you! 

****

Malon:  
I really don't want to take him anywhere. 

****

Luigi:  
But, Mido! We have to fight! 

****

Malon:  
No, we don't. We could just close our eyes, and... swim around! 

****

Luigi:  
C'mon! Don't' be such a... OW! Something bit me! 

****

Tatl:  
What a nasty flavor. 

****

Luigi:  
_(Sees Tatl)  
_KILLER BUG!!!! 

__

[While Wario, Darunia and Luigi are shrieking, Malon whistles for Epona and sneaks away.]

****

Luigi:  
_(Huddled on the rock with Darunia and Wario)_  
Some King of the Rock. 

__

(Gets pushed into the water)

****

Malon:  
Boy, that was close. 

****

Tatl:  
No, that was vile. You owe me big! 

****

Malon:  
I never want to see a naked man again. 

__

(A herd of naked men flash by.) 

****

Tatl:  
Don't look at me, I ain't biting no more butts. 

*** 


	10. 

Act Ten ****

Act Ten

**__**

(In Ingo's tent) 

****

Ingo:  
You think your troops are ready to fight? Hah! They wouldn't last a minute against the Gerudo! 

****

Link:  
They completed their training. 

****

Ingo:  
Those boys are no more fit to be soldiers than you are to be captain.   
Once the general reads my report, your troops will never see battle. 

****

Tatl:  
Oh, no, you don't! I've worked too hard to get   
Malon into this war! This guy's messing with my plans! 

****

Link:  
We're not finished! 

Ingo:  
Be careful, Captain. The general may be your father-

****

Link: 

He's NOT my REAL father!

****

Ingo:

__

(Ignoring that)

-but I am the King's Council.  
And, oh, by the way, I got that job on my own... You're dismissed. 

****

Malon:  
_(To Link)_   
Hey, I'll hold him, and you punch!   
_(She sees he's sad)_  
...Or not. For what it's worth, I think you're a great captain! 

****

Tatl:  
I saw that. 

****

Malon:  
What? 

****

Tatl:  
You like him, don't you 

****

Malon:  
No! I... 

****

Tatl:  
Yeah, right, sure. GO TO YOUR TENT! 

__

[Smiling, Malon walks away.]

****

Tatl:  
_(To Yoshi)_  
I think it's time we took this war into our own hands. 

__

(They rush into the tent as Ingo strolls out, dressed in a towel, a hat, and slippers. Yoshi types out a letter, like a typewriter.) 

****

Tatl:  
Okay, lemme see what you've got.   
_(Reads)_  
From General Rauru: 'Dear Son, we're waiting for the Gerudo at the pass. It would mean a lot of you'd come and back us up.'Hmm. That's great, except that you forgot, 'and since we're out of popourri, perhaps you wouldn't mind bringing up some!' HELLO! This is the army! Make it sound a little urgent, please. You know what I'm talking about? 

__

[Yoshi hops around typing out another letter.]

****

Tatl:  
That's better, much better! Let's go! 

****

Tatl:  
Epona, baby. We need a ride.   
_(Epona squirts her off, and Yoshi slowly backs off.)_

*** 

__

[At the lake. Laughter]

****

Ingo:  
Insubordinate ruffians. You men owe me a new pair of slippers!   
_(More laughter)_   
And I do not squeal like a girl!   
_(He turns to see a straw soldier (Tatl and Yoshi) riding a Tektite.)_  
Eeeeeeek!!! 

****

Tatl:  
_(In a deep voice)_   
Urgent news from the general!   
_(She holds out a scroll)_  
What's the matter, you've never seen a scaled before? 

****

Ingo:  
Who are you? 

****

Tatl:  
Excuse me? I think the question should be, who are you! We're in a war, man! There's no  
time for stupid questions! I should have your hat for that! Snatch it right off your head! I'm feeling gracious today, so ... carry on.   


__

[Ingo turns, and the Tektite jumps up a nearby tree.]

*** 

__

(In the captain's tent) 

****

Ingo:  
Captain! Urgent news from the general! We're needed at the front! 

****

Tatl:  
Pack your bags, Yoshi, we're moving out! 

****

**Begin Song: "A Girl Worth Fighting For."** 

****

All: 

For a long time we've been marching off to battle.  


****

Wario: 

In our thundering herd, we feel a lot like cattle.  


****

All: 

Like the pounding beat, our aching feet aren't easy to ignore.  


****

Luigi: 

Hey! Think of instead, a girl worth fighting for!  


****

Malon: 

Huh?  


****

Luigi: 

That's what I said! A girl worth fighting for! 

I want her paler than the moon, with eyes that shine like stars.  


****

Wario: 

My girl will marvel at my strength, adore my battle scars!  


****

Darunia: 

I couldn't care less what she'll wear, or what she looks like!  
It all depends on what she cooks like!  
Limestone, sandstone, quartz, mmm ... 

****

Wario: 

__

(To Malon)

Bet the local girls thought you were quite the charmer!  


****

Luigi: 

And I bet the ladies love a man in armor!  


****

All: 

You can guess what we have missed the most  
Since we went off to war!  
What do we want?  
A girl worth fighting for! 

****

Luigi:

My girl will think I have no flaws  


****

Darunia: 

That I'm a major find  


****

Malon: 

How 'bout a girl who's got a brain, who always speaks her mind?  


****

All: 

Nah! 

****

Luigi: 

My manly ways and turn of phrase and sure to thrill her!  


****

Wario: 

He thinks he's such a lady-killer! 

****

Ingo: 

I've a girl back home who's unlike any other!  


****

Wario: 

Yeah, the only girl who'd love him is his mother!  


****

All: 

But when we come home, in victory  
They'll line up at the door! 

What do we want?  
A girl worth fighting for!  
Wish that I had  
A girl worth fighting for!  
A girl worth fighting-- 

  
****END SONG****

__

[The Hyrule army stares in horror at the charred and   
burning remnants of a small village. They walk through it.] 

****

Link:  
Search for survivors! 

__

[Malon picks up a small doll - the same one that the Gerudo found.]

****

Link:  
I don't understand. General Rauru should've been here. 

****

Ingo:  
Captain!   
_[They turn to see a bloody battlefield full of dead soldiers. Darunia hands a stuffed teddy bear to Link.]_

****

Darunia:  
The... general. 

__

[Link takes a sword and sticks it in the snow,   
then places the teddy bear on the hilt.]

****

Malon:  
I'm sorry. 

****

Link:

That...was...my father's....favorite....teddy BEAR!!! He shall be avendged!

****

Malon:

I thought you said he wasn't your real father.

****

Link:

Ohhh...yeah!   
_(Mounts his horse and regains his composure)_  
The Gerudo are moving quickly. We'll make better time to the Castle through Death Mountain pass. We're the only hope for the King now. Move out! 

***


	11. 

Act Eleven ****

Act Eleven

__

[The army slowly walks away. Malon places the   
doll by Link's sword/memorial and joins the others. As the soldiers slowly walk through the mountain pass, a rocket in the wagon attached to Epona suddenly goes off, shooting into the sky. Malon looks at Tatl accusingly.]

****

Link:  
_(To Malon)_  
What happened? You just gave away out position! Now we're--   
_[An arrow hits his shoulder, throwing him off the horse. Gerudo   
appear on a cliff, and arrows shower down on the soldiers.]  
_Get out of range! 

__

[The pitiful army struggles to get away from the Gerudo,   
but are intercepted by another group of Gerudo up on another cliff.]

Link:  
Save the cannons! 

__

[The soldiers pass the cannons from the wagon to each other. The wagon gets hit by a flaming arrow, and Malon cuts Epona's reins and mounts her. The wagon explodes, sending Tatl and Yoshi flying. Malon falls off Epona.]

****

Tatl:  
Oh, sure, save the horse.   


__

[Malon grabs Tatl and her sword and runs over to the other soldiers.] 

****

Link:  
Fire!   
_[The soldier lights the cannon, and it explodes on the mountain. More follow.]_  
Fire!  
_[There is no sound from the Gerudo, who are no longer on the cliffs.]_   
Hold the last cannon. 

__

[Suddenly, a horse appears on the hill. Ganondorf is soon joined by hundreds of Gerudo soldiers.]

****

Link:  
Prepare to fight. If we die, we die with honor.   
_[The Gerudo charge the army.]_   
Wario! Aim the cannon at Ganondorf.   
_[Wario aims the cannon.]_

__

[While glancing at her sword, Malon notices the reflection of a glacial overhang. She grabs the cannon and runs toward the Gerudo, aiming at the overhang.]

****

Link:  
Mido! Mido, come back! 

__

[Frantically, as Ganondorf draws nearer, his sword raised, Malon fumbles with the match.]

****

Tatl:  
Okay, you might want to light that right about now, Quickly, quickly!   
_(Malon is attacked by Ganondorf's hawk, and loses the match.)_

****

Wario:  
C'mon, we gotta help!   
_(The Gang of Three run toward Malon, swinging their swords. Malon uses Tatl to light the cannon fuse, and it shoots off toward the overhang.)_

****

Tatl:  
You missed! How could you miss?! He was three feet in front of you! 

__

[The cannon hits the overhang with a bang, and causes an avalanche that rains down on the Gerudo Army, burying them. In fury, Ganondorf roars and hits Malon in the side with his sword blade. She quickly runs away from the avalanche, pulling Link with her. Epona runs toward them, and Malon gets on and tries to give Link a hand, but he loses his grip and is dragged into the snow.] 

****

Tatl:  
_(Riding down the snow in a hubcap)_  
Malon!! Malon! Malon?   
_(She pulls a Gerudo's head out of the snow.)_  
Nope. Malon!   
_(She reaches down and pulls out Yoshi.)_  
Man, you are one lucky yoshi. 

__

[Malon and Epona break out of the snow and race toward   
Link, who, unconscious, is sliding on the snow toward a cliff.] 

****

Malon:  
Link!   
_(She pulls him up onto the saddle.)_

****

Darunia:  
_(Holding up Wario)_  
Do you see them? 

****

Wario:  
Yes!   
_(He fits an arrow, which is tied to a length of rope, and shoots it toward Malon.)_  
Perfect! Now I'll pull them to safety!   
_(The rope slips through his hands.)_

****

Tatl:  
_(Sliding near Malon and Link)_   
Malon! I found a lucky yoshi! 

****

Malon:  
We need help!   
_(The arrow flies near them, Malon grabs it and ties it around Epona.)_

****

Tatl:  
_(To Yoshi)_  
Nice, very nice! You can sit by me!   
_(They climb up onto Epona, and notice the cliff.)_  
Aaaugh!!! We're gonna die! We're gonna die! No way we survive this! Death is coming!   
_(Malon shoots the arrow up as they fall off the cliff.)_

****

Wario:  
_(Crying)_  
I let them slip through my fingers ... 

__

(Looks surprised as the arrow, complete with rope, lands in his hands. He is dragged toward the cliff edge, soldiers jumping on top of him. Finally Darunia walks over, picks all the soldiers up, and walks backward, pulling Malon, Epona, and Link up onto the ground.)

****

Tatl:  
I knew we could do it! You the man! Well, sort of. 

****

Luigi:  
Step back, guys. Give him some air! 

****

Link:  
_(Breathing heavily)_  
Mido, you are the craziest man I ever met. And for that,   
I owe you my life. From now on, you have my trust. 

****

Luigi:  
Let's hear it for Mido, the bravest of us all! 

****

Wario:  
You're King of the Mountain! 

__

[They all cheer. Malon tries to stand up, but collapses to the ground, gasping.]

****

Link:  
Mido! What's wrong?   
_(Malon moves her hands to reveal blood.)_  
He's wounded! Get help!  
_(Malon sinks into unconsciousness.)_  
Mido, hold on. Hold on. 

***


	12. 

Act Twelve ****

Act Twelve

__

[The doctor emerges from his tent and says something to Link, who looks disturbed and rushes inside. He looks at Malon, who sits up in bed, her side bandaged. Link stares at her, recognizing her as a girl. Malon realizes her mistake and pulls the blanket back on.]

****

Malon:  
I can explain! 

****

Ingo:  
So it's true! 

****

Malon:  
Link! 

****

Ingo:  
_(Yanking Malon out of the tent and pulling her hair out of a bun_)  
I knew there was something wrong with you! A woman! Treacherous snake! 

Malon:  
My name is Malon. I did it to save my father! 

****

Ingo:  
High treason! 

****

Malon:  
I didn't mean for it to go this far! 

****

Ingo:  
Ultimate dishonor! 

****

Malon:  
It was the only way! Please, believe me! 

****

Ingo:  
Captain? 

__

[Link walks over to Epona and takes out Malon's sword. The   
Gang of Three start to rush over to her, but Ingo stops them.]

****

Ingo:  
_(To the soldiers holding Epona)_  
Restrain her.   
_(To the Gang of Three)_  
You know the law. 

__

[Link walks over to Malon and throws the sword in the snow in front of her.]

****

Link:  
A life for a life. My debt is repaid.   
_(To the soldiers)_  
Move out! 

****

Ingo:  
But you can't just ... 

****

Link:  
_(To Ingo)_  
I said, 'Move out.' 

__

[The army sadly walks away, leaving Malon, Tatl, and Epona in the snow.]

****

Tatl:  
I was this close. This close! To impressing the ancestors,   
getting the top shelf, in entourage... man. All my fine work.   
_(She uses the tip of an arrow to roast a piece of food over a tiny fire.)_

****

Malon:  
I should never have left home. 

****

Tatl:  
Hey C'mon. You wanted to save your father's life. Who knew you'd end up shaming him,  
disgracing your ancestors and losing all your friends. Y'know, you just gotta... just gotta  
learn to let these things go. 

****

Malon:  
Maybe I didn't go for my father. Maybe what I really wanted was to prove that I could do  
things right. So that when I looked in the mirror   
_(She picks up her shield to see her reflection)_   
I'd see someone worthwhile. But I was wrong. I see nothing. 

Tatl:  
Hey, that's just cause this needs a little spit, that's all.   
_(She spits on the helmet.) _

Let me shine this up for you. I can see you, lookit you, you look so pretty! The truth is, we're both frauds. Your ancestors didn't send me; they don't even like me. I mean, you risked your  
life to help people you love. I risked your life to help myself. At least you had good intentions. 

__

[Yoshi starts to cry] 

****

Tatl:  
What do you mean, you're not lucky! You ... lied to me?   
_(Yoshi nods. Tatl turns to Epona.)_  
And what are you, a sheep? 

****

Malon:  
I'll have to face my father sooner or later. Let's go home 

****

Tatl:  
Yeah. This ain't gonna be pretty. But don't you worry, okay? Things will work out. We started this thing together and that's how we'll finish it. I promise. 

__

[The shadow of a hawk flies overheard, and around a bend. Ganondorf climbs out of the snow and looks around. He lets out a roar. Soon he is joined by five of his soldiers. They start down the path toward the Castle Town. Malon watches them, grabs her sword, mounts Epona and turns after the Gerudo.]

****

Tatl:  
Uh, home is that way. 

****

Malon:  
I have to do something. 

****

Tatl:  
Did you see those Gerudo? They popped out of the snow! LIKE DAISIES! 

Malon:  
Are we in this together, or not? 

****

Tatl:  
_(Looks guilty)_  
Let's go kick some Gerudo Buns!   
_(She and Yoshi jump on Epona, and they ride down the mountain, whooping.)_

*** 


	13. 

Act Thirteen ****

Act Thirteen

__

[In the Castle Town, the citizens watch happily as the Castle Town celebrates the Hyrule victory with a parade.]

****

Parade Leader:  
Make way for the heroes of Hyrule!

__

[Link, the Gang of Three and the other soldiers follow   
glumly behind, and behind them is a large Great fairy costume. Malon comes riding up beside Link]

****

Malon:  
Link! 

****

Link:  
Malon? 

****

Malon:  
The Gerudo are alive! They're in the city! 

****

Link:  
You don't belong here, Malon. Go home. 

****

Malon:  
Link, I saw them in the mountains! You have to believe me! 

****

Link:  
Why should I? 

****

Malon:  
Why else would I come back? You said you'd trust Mido. Why is Malon any different?  
_(Link rides around her. To the Gang of Three)_  
Keep your eyes open. I know they're here. Yah! 

Tatl:  
(As Malon dismounts Epona)  
Now where are you going? 

****

Malon:  
To find someone who will believe me! 

__

[She hurries off into the crowd. The army climbs the steps to the Castle, followed by the Great Fairy costume. King Toad meets them.] 

****

King Toad:  
Everyone! Heaven smiles down upon the Middle Kingdom!   
Hyrule will sleep safely tonight, thanks to our brave warriors! 

****

Malon:  
_(To a Koopa)_  
Sir, the King's in danger! 

****

Koopa:

__

(Turns away)  
Huh! 

****

Malon:  
But the Gerudo are HERE!   
_(To a Zora)_  
Please, you have to help! 

****

Zora:

__

(Turns away)  
Eh! 

****

Malon:  
_(To Tatl)_  
No one will listen! 

****

Tatl:  
Huh? Oh, I'm sorry, did you say something? 

****

Malon:  
Tatl ... 

****

Tatl:  
Hey, you're a girl again, remember? 

****

Link:  
Your Majesty, I present to you the sword of Ganondorf. 

****

King Toad:  
I know what this means to you, Captain Link. Your father would have been very proud. 

****

Link:

For the last time he's not-

__

[Ganondorf's hawk suddenly swoops down and grabs the sword. It flaps up to the roof, where a line of stone gargoyles are resting. One of the gargoyles moves and takes the sword. Gerudo jump out of the Great Fairy costume. One of them grabs the King and takes him into the castle.] 

****

Link:  
No! 

****

Wario:   
C'mon! 

__

[They run up to the palace, but the Gerudo close the great doors. On the roof, Ganondorf laughs. The army uses a statue to try to break into the palace.] 

****

Malon:  
They'll never reach the King in time.   
_(She looks around, then at the tall pillars by the side of the palace. She whistles to them.)_  
Hey guys! I've got an idea! 

__

[The Gang of Three looks at each other and then follows Malon, dropping the statue. They all take off their equipment, and put on dresses and makeup, and they use the silk belts around their waists to climb up the pillars. Next to them, Link takes off his cape and climbs up. Inside the palace, on a balcony, the Gerudo hold the King. Ganondorf sticks his head in their faces.] 

****

Ganondorf:  
_(To the King)_  
Boo.   
_(To his soldiers)_  
Guard the door!   
_(To the King)_  
Your walls and armies have fallen. And now it's your turn. Bow to me. 


	14. 

Act Fourteen ****

Act Fourteen

__

[Outside, Malon and the Gang of Three prepare to get past the guards.] 

****

Malon:  
Okay. Any questions? 

****

Wario:  
Does this dress make me look fat?   
_(He is slapped)_  
Ow! 

__

[The four "girls" walk near the guards, giggling.]

****

Guard:  
Who's there? 

****

Guard #2:  
Concubines. 

****

Guard:  
Ugly concubines. 

__

[An apple rolls out of Luigi's dress. One of the guards picks it up. The hawk   
notices Link hiding, and tries to call out, but Tatl lights fire and torches him.]

****

Tatl:  
Now that's what I call Hyrulian barbeque. 

__

[The guard hands the apple to Luigi, but the Gang of Three   
all pull fruit out of their dresses and attack the guards.]

****

Malon:  
Link! Go!   


__

[Link runs up the stairs and into the room where Ganondorf and the King are.] 

****

Ganondorf:  
I tire of your arrogance, old toad. Bow to me! 

****

King Toad:  
No matter how the wind howls, the mountain cannot bow to it. 

****

Ganondorf:  
_(Raising his sword)_  
Then you will kneel ... in pieces! 

__

(He swings the sword; Link rushes in and blocks it. He is   
swung around a pillar, and then kicks Ganondorf in the face.)

****

Malon:  
Darunia, get the King! 

****

Darunia:  
Sorry, your Majesty.   
_(He picks up the King, and, using his silk belt,   
slides down the cord paper lanterns are strung on.)_

****

Ganondorf:  
No!   
_(He picks up Link and smashes his head against Link's. Malon   
winces, then looks down at the ground, where Wario and Luigi are waiting.)_

****

Wario:  
Come on! 

__

[Malon looks back at the unconscious Link, and at Ganondorf who is approaching   
him. She pulls Ganondorf's sword out of the pillar and cuts the cord. People below cheer.]

****

Ganondorf:  
No!   
_(He turns to Link, who is now conscious.)_  
You! You took away my victory!   
_(He is hit by a shoe.)_

****

Malon:  
No! I did.   
_(She pulls back her hair.)_

****

Ganondorf:  
The soldier from the mountain! 

__

(Abandoning Link, he chases after Malon, who is putting on her shoe. She slams the door shut, and he rams his fist through the wood. Malon is joined by Tatl and Yoshi, riding the feather-less hawk.)

****

Tatl:  
So what's the plan? 

****

Malon:  
Ummmmm ... 

****

Tatl:  
YOU DON'T HAVE A PLAN? 

****

Malon:  
Hey, I'm making this up as I ... go ...   
_(As they pass a window she notices a pile of fireworks and two men.)_  
Tatl-- 

****

Tatl:  
Way ahead of you, sister! C'mon, Yoshi! 

__

[They jump onto a paper kite decoration and float across to the tower. Ganondorf attacks Malon, and she shinnies up a pole. Ganondorf cuts down the pole, and Malon and the pole go through the wall. Malon jumps up and grabs onto the roof and pulls herself up. She looks across to where Tatl and Yoshi are gathering ammunition.] 

****

Tatl:  
Citizens. I need firepower! 

****

Citizen:  
Who are you? 

****

Tatl:  
_(Looking fierce)_   
Your worst nightmare.   
_(The two men jump off the tower.)_

****

Mario:  
Look! On the roof! 

__

[Malon backs along the roof, mesuring the distance with her hands. Ganondorf   
crashes through the roof and raises his sword. Malon pulls out a paper fan.]

****

Ganondorf:  
Looks like you're out of ideas.   
_(He stabs the sword through the fan; Malon turns it around and readies the sword.)_

****

Malon:  
Not quite. Ready, Tatl? 

****

Tatl:  
_(With a rocket strapped to her back)_  
I am ready, baby!   
_(She lights fire on a stick and hands it to Yoshi.)_   
Light me! 

__

[Malon kicks Ganondorf in the face, then trips him and pins his shirt to the ground with the sword. Yoshi lights the fuse, and the rocket slams Ganondorf straight into the firework tower.]

****

Malon:  
_(Picking up Tatl)_  
Get off the roof, get off the roof! 

__

[As the fireworks explode, she jumps, catches a lantern and swings down the cord, then drops onto Link, who is running down the stairs. Ganondorf's sword and Tatl land nearby.] 

****

Tatl:  
Ahahahahahaha!   
_(She catches Yoshi)_  
You are a lucky yoshi! 

****

Ingo:  
That was a deliberate attempt on my life! Where is she? Now she's done it! What a mess!  
Stand aside, that creature's not worth protecting. 

****

Link:  
She's a hero! 

****

Ingo:  
She's a woman. She'll never be worth anything! 

****

Link:  
Listen, you pompous ... 

King Toad:  
That is enough! 

****

Link:  
Your Majesty, I can explain!   


__

[The King raises a hand and the Gang of Three move to the side, revealing Malon.] 

****

King Toad:  
I've heard a great deal about you, Malon. You stole your father's armor, ran away from home, impersonated a soldier, deceived your commanding officer, dishonored the army, destroyed my castle! And you have saved us all.   


__

[He bows to her, and row by row, every person in the Castle Town bows to her.] 

****

Tatl:  
Our little baby is all grown up and saving Hyrule!   
_(To Yoshi)_

Do you have a tissue? 

****

King Toad:  
Ingo! 

****

Ingo:  
Your Excellency? 

****

King Toad:  
See that this woman is made a member of my council. 

Ingo:  
What? There are no council positions open, your Majesty! 

****

King Toad:  
Very well.

__

(To Malon)

You can have his job. 

****

Ingo:  
Wha? ... My? ...   
_(He faints.)_

****

Malon:  
With all due respect, your Excellency, I think I've been away from home long enough. 

****

King Toad:  
Then take this,  
_(He hands her a pendant) _  
so your family will know what you have done for me. And this,  
_(He hands her the sword of Ganondorf)_  
so the world will know what you have done for Hyrule. 

__

[Malon takes the gifts, then hugs King Toad]

****

Wario:  
Is she allowed to do that? 

__

[Luigi, Darunia and Link shrug. Malon steps away and hugs the Gang of Three, then walks over to Link.] 

****

Link:  
Um ... you ... You fight good. 

****

Malon:  
_(Disappointed)_  
Oh. Thank you.   
_(She mounts Epona.)_  
Epona, let's go home.   


__

[As she rides away, everyone cheers.] 

****

King Toad:  
_(To Link)_  
The flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest and most beautiful of all. 

****

Link:  
... Sir? ... 

****

King Toad:  
You don't meet a girl like that every day!   
_(He puts on his crown and walks away.)_

*** 


	15. 

Act Fifteen ****

Act Fifteen

__

[At Lon Lon Ranch house]

[Malon approaches her father, who is sitting under the cherry trees. She kneels in front of him.] 

****

Talon:  
Malon! 

****

Malon:  
Father! I've brought you the sword of Ganondorf. And the   
Crest of the King! They're gifts to honor the Lon Family.   


__

[Her father drops the gifts and hugs her.] 

****

Talon:   
The greatest gift in honor is having you for a daughter. I've missed you so. 

****

Malon:  
I've missed you too, Father. 

****

Granny Impa:  
_(Watching them) _  
Huh. She brings home a sword. If you ask me she should've brought home a man! 

****

Link:  
Excuse me, does Malon live here? 

__

[Granny Impa and Ralon point, dumbstruck.]

****

Link:  
Thank you. 

****

Granny Impa:  
Woo! Sign me up for the next war! 

****

Link:  
Honorable Talon, I-- Malon! Uhhhh ... you forgot your   
shield. Well, actually it's your shield, isn't it, I mean ... 

****

Malon:  
Would you like to stay for dinner? 

****

Granny Impa:  
Would you like to stay forever? 

****

Link:  
Dinner would be great. 

****

Tatl:  
_(To Great Ancestor)_  
Who did a good job? C'mon, tell me who did a good job. 

****

Great Ancestor:  
Oh, all right. You can be a guardian again. 

****

Tatl:  
AAAAAHHH-HAAAAAAAA!!! Whoohoohoohoohoooo! 

__

[Yoshi rings a bell; all the ancestors come out.]

****

Tatl:  
Take it, Yoshi!   


__

[Yoshi plays a set of drums, and all the ancestors dance.]

****

Ancestor #2:  
You know, she gets it from my side of the family!   


__

[Tatl swings on a chain, yelling. He falls off and goes sliding out the Temple door.]

****

Great Ancestor:  
Guardians. 

Malon:  
Thanks, Tatl. 

__

[She kisses her on the forehead. Suddenly, Poochie,   
followed by a herd of cuccos, bursts into the Temple.] 

****

Great Ancestor:  
TATL!!!! 


End file.
